


You Were My Versailles at Night

by 13zepptraxx



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Episode: s04e08 Coda, Evan "Buck" Buckley-centric, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Found Family, Jealous Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Jealous Evan "Buck" Buckley, Lack of Communication, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Post-Episode: s04e08 Breaking Point, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Until it isn't, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13zepptraxx/pseuds/13zepptraxx
Summary: Ana ascends the stairs up to the kitchen and she is everything Buck was praying she wasn’t. Her hair sits perfectly on her shoulders and her dress is covered in flowers. Her smile spreads all the way across her face, and it gets even wider when Eddie meets her halfway, planting a quick kiss on her cheek.Buck feels sick.(Or, five times Buck bites his tongue, and the one time he lets himself exhale.)
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 701





	You Were My Versailles at Night

It’s not like Buck dislikes Ana. He’s fairly indifferent, actually- he’s never even met the woman. But he can’t help the sinking feeling in his stomach every time Eddie mentions her. And he knows Eddie’s happy. He’s cool with it, in theory. He can stomach the discomfort when Eddie talks about her, and he can deal with Chris discussing something they all did together, but Buck knows he’ll be done for when he actually meets her.

He’ll see how pretty she is and how nice she is and how good she is for Eddie and Buck will probably fall apart. He’s prepared to not handle it well when it inevitably happens. He puts on a brave face though, because he knows the ice is a bit thin for Christopher at the moment, and Buck needs to be there for him.

Chris is doing better though- he’s coming to terms with it. He likes Ana, so he’s growing more and more okay with the idea of Ana being in their lives more often. He still makes sure it’s all good with Buck though, and this is why Buck bites his tongue whenever the woman is mentioned. He’ll be fine. He’ll move on… maybe.

**one.**

It’s an atrociously boring, slow day at the firehouse when Eddie says it. Buck knew it was coming eventually, he knew he’d have to do this, but it hurts all the same. No amount of preparation could get Buck ready for this moment.

“Ana’s bringing coffee and donuts by.”

Eddie says it nonchalantly, too. Like this isn’t something that’s making Buck spin out. His brain is comparable to that scene of all the mini-spongebob’s running around spongebob’s brain, and it’s all on fire. Buck wants to excuse himself, wants to go hide in a storage room somewhere until it’s all over, but he knows this means a lot to Eddie, so he stays.

“Please don’t embarrass me.” Eddie says to no one in particular, and Chimney and Hen immediately take up a defense. “No weird stories, don’t make fun of me. I’ll have her take the donuts back.”

“Come on, we would never!” Chim defends himself, and even Hen scoffs at this. It’s funny because Chimney already has an embarrassing story in his head. And Hen does too, obviously, but she’s not going to just give herself away like that.

Buck sits silently in the corner as he watches the conversation in front of him. He’s jealous, he knows, but it doesn’t stop him from internally hoping Chimney and Hen tell every single embarrassing story they have of Eddie. Buck is stooping fairly low and he’ll beat himself up about it later.

Soon enough, Ana ascends the stairs up to the kitchen and she is everything Buck was praying she wasn’t. Her hair sits perfectly on her shoulders and her dress is covered in flowers. Her smile spreads all the way across her face, and it gets even wider when Eddie meets her halfway, planting a quick kiss on her cheek.

Buck feels sick.

“Guys, this is Ana.” Eddie gleams as he and Ana walk further into the kitchen. “Ana, this is Chimney, Hen, Bobby, and Buck.” He gestures around the kitchen, everyone greeting Ana with smiles and compliments, and Buck knows he doesn’t have a choice but to stow his shit and do the same.

Of course, the taste of lead in his mouth from how much he was biting the inside of his cheek wasn’t nice. He ignores it, and throws a smile on his face as he walks up to Ana. “It’s so good to meet you!” Buck says cheerfully, and goes straight in for a hug. He’s so miserable.

Ana brought coffee and donuts from the crew's favorite place, naturally, and it’s ruining Buck’s mental image he had of her. Everything was completely fine until this moment. Everything was fine when Ana was just a thought in the back of his mind and she didn’t have a face or a personality or a life. But the real version of her is amazing, obviously, so Buck _really_ doesn’t have a case anymore.

And as expected, everyone loves Ana. They all think she’s bubbly and funny and cute (and honestly, Buck doesn’t disagree. She’s very cute) and they all gush over her and Eddie. Buck says quiet for the most part, adding a few anecdotes here and there. He mainly sits in his corner drinking his coffee, though.

The worst part? Eddie told Ana what Buck’s fucking coffee order is and she got it for him. Buck is so, so frustrated. And moreso, he’s confused as fuck because why did Eddie tell Ana that? Why did he have her get Buck’s specific order? What was the point? Buck would’ve been fine with regular coffee, but _noooo_. Now Buck likes Ana, and he’s so beyond pissed about it.

“So Buck-” Ana looks over to Buck, and Buck’s head shoots up in her direction. “Christopher said I couldn’t come over Friday because you’re going over there for movie night.”

 _Oh my god oh my fucking god I’m going to throw myself out the window._ “Oh my god.” Buck chuckles as he rubs his eyes. “That’s- jesus christ.” He doesn’t even know what to say, or how the hell he’s supposed to feel about that.

Ana smiles. “I think it’s sweet he cares about you so much. I’d never want to impose on that.”

 _Fuck,_ is the only thing Buck can think. _Fuck, she’s so awesome._ Buck wants to crawl inside himself. He has absolutely no reason to dislike Ana and in the entire hour that she’s there, Buck can’t find a single bad thing. And Ana respecting Christopher wanting to hang out with Buck is the icing on top of the cake. Buck feels like he’s suffocating.

“I told Christopher that was mean, by the way.” Eddie looks over to Buck.

Buck raises an eyebrow, and a teasing smile cracks across his face. “So who does Chris have custody of on Friday, then?”

Eddie laughs. “We came to the agreement that whoever wants to come to movie night can come to movie night and the presence of one of you can’t dictate the absence of the other.”

“Well, Ana, I hope you’re good at Fortnite- I’m the reigning champion of the week.” Buck glances over. “You never get to choose the movie, either. Chris is the judge every week.”

The air is lightened a bit as Buck jokes around with Ana. Then again, it was only ever tense for Buck. No one else had an issue, just Buck. Silently, of course, so it was all just void, really. He didn’t have a right or a reason to be so weird about it all.

But on the other hand, he’s going to have to go over to Eddie’s on Friday and watch him and Ana be cute together and there aren’t words for how much he hates that. He’ll go for Chris, though, because he made the kid a promise. He still has him, that’s not changing. Buck isn’t about to let his complicated feelings for Eddie hurt Chris.

Once Ana leaves, Buck excuses himself as well. He does hide in a storage room now. He sits down against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest as he hides his head in his hands. He takes a few shaky breaths, fighting back the tears pooling in his eyes. He can’t do this.

But when Buck joins everyone in the lounge and Eddie looks over to him with concern and mouths “you okay?”, Buck just smiles back and nods yes. He’ll just keep on biting his tongue until he gets over it. 

**two.**

“Buck!” Christopher cheers when Buck walks in the door. Buck cheers right back and leans down, scooping Christopher up into his arms. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, buddy.” Buck smiles. “Your dad in the kitchen?” He asks when he sets Chris back down. Chris nods and takes the dvd out of Buck’s hands before retreating further into the living room to put the dvd in the player in advance.

And no, Buck didn’t choose the movie. Chris called him and asked him to pick up the movie he chose. Buck won’t tell anyone this, but it brought a few tears to his eyes when he thought about the fact that Chris is actually, really growing up. It feels weird. Being there for it feels like home, though.

“I went to two different Targets to find that movie.” Buck comments as he leans against the refrigerator. “Please don’t burn the popcorn.” He grimaces as he watches Eddie place a popcorn bag in the microwave.

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I’m not gonna burn the popcorn. How much do I owe you for the movie?” He looks over to Buck, and Buck shakes his head with a weird look on his face. “Dude, seriously.”

“Dude, seriously.” Buck mocks. “It’s fine, I don’t care.” Eddie rolls his eyes once more, and Buck smiles. It takes him too long to realize that Ana isn’t there, and he probably wouldn’t have realized at all if he hadn’t seen the fourth cup sitting on the counter with the other three. “I didn’t intimidate Ana with my Fortnite challenge, did I?”

Eddie laughs. “No, she’s on the way.” He replies as he leans against the counter. “It means a lot to her that you’re cool with her hanging tonight, by the way.”

Buck shrugs as he smiles. He’s not cool with it now, won’t be cool with it next week either. He spent three days trying to convince himself to be cool with it, but he kept falling short of reasons that it’s fine. Yeah, Eddie’s happy. Yeah, Chris is okay with it. But it’s not fine and it won’t be fine. Buck stays silent anyway.

Ana knocks on the door less than five minutes later, and Buck can’t help but feel a sense of pride at the fact that he has a key to Eddie’s house and Ana doesn’t. It’s one of the more irrational thoughts he’s had as of late. He knows it’s bad and harboring this kind of disdain is unhealthy, he doesn’t need to be told that. He’s enjoying being a grinch all on his own.

Eddie, Ana and Chris having an eerily similar dynamic to the one the boys have with Buck does sting, though. Buck wishes it didn’t, but it does, and he almost cries in the kitchen when he runs to get Chris some more juice. He doesn’t, and he shakes it off before he walks back into the living room.

Chris falls asleep against Buck’s chest, with his feet across Eddie’s lap. No one talks about it. Buck quietly mumbles to Eddie that he’s taking Chris to bed, and departs with Chris in his arms. No one talks about that, either. Not until Buck is out of earshot, at least.

“He really cares about Christopher, doesn’t he?” Ana says softly as she turns to Eddie.

Ana can’t help but feel a twinge of… well, she’s not entirely sure, when she watches Buck with Chris. It’s not necessarily a bad feeling, but it isn’t the _best_ feeling. But Eddie wraps his arm around Ana and latches his other one under her legs, hoisting them up over his lap, and Ana dismisses the strange feeling.

Buck’s been filled with strange feelings all night, though. He’s no stranger to them. It was sadness when Ana hugged Chris, jealousy when Ana kissed Eddie, and just plain old heartbreak when Ana cuddled closer to Eddie on the couch. Buck despises all of these feelings, and he hates even more that he has nowhere to put them.

He tries to remind himself that he still has everything, even with Ana in the picture. He still tucks in Chris in when he falls asleep in Buck’s lap on movie night, and Eddie is still his best friend. The Diaz boys aren’t going anywhere. This is the only peace Buck can seem to find anymore. “Goodnight, buddy.” Buck whispers before kissing Christopher’s forehead and exiting the room quietly.

When he turns the corner to the living room and sees Eddie and Ana laughing softly together, his heart breaks a little bit more. He decides it’s probably best to excuse himself. “I should get going.” Buck comments as he grabs his jacket from the back of the chair. “It was good seeing you, Ana.” He smiles.

Eddie and Ana both get up from the couch. “See you at work tomorrow?” Eddie raises an eyebrow. Buck nods. “Okay- drive safe.” He pats Buck on the shoulder and Buck’s shoulder is burning all the way home. Buck shoves everything he’s feeling down though, and pulls the blankets all the way over his head that night.

**three.**

It takes spending four Friday’s with Eddie, Ana, and Christopher for Buck to realize he’s destroying himself trying to be fine with this. He won’t say anything, of course, but it still just really, really fucking sucks. It sucks even worse when Buck finds himself thinking of ways to get out of going over to Eddie’s tonight.

Buck feels absolutely terrible cancelling, but his heart hasn’t stopped hurting in so long and he can’t do this anymore. He just needs some peace. Not that he’ll get any peace from ditching the Diaz boys- he’ll definitely feel worse- but it’s a different hurt this time. It’s not the same pain he feels when he watches Eddie and Ana cuddle on the couch or when he sees Ana helping Christopher with something. That kind of pain is far different.

Still, Buck considers just putting up with it and dealing with the pain so he doesn’t let Chris down. Chris would understand if Buck cancelled _once,_ but Buck is scared if he does it once, he’ll do it again, and again, and so on. And that’s something he absolutely cannot do.

Scrolling through instagram and seeing a photo of Eddie, Ana, and Christopher at the park together is enough to have Buck calling Eddie to cancel tonight, though. Buck just can’t stomach it. Not tonight, at least. He’s laying back on his bed when Eddie answers on the second ring and Buck suddenly can’t sit still.

“Hey.” Buck says as calmly as possible, working way too hard to pretend everything is fine and he isn’t decomposing as they speak. The silence on the other end of the line indicates to Buck that he should probably just keep going, because Eddie never was one for small talk. “So I, uh-” He pauses for a moment.

Is he really doing this?

Seriously canceling his plans with his best friend and his son because he’s jealous?

Buck figured he’d be above this. He’s clearly not.

“I think I’ve got a cold, so I’m gonna stay home tonight.” Buck continues, and he hears Eddie mumble a soft “oh” in the background, like he pulled the phone away from his ear before speaking. “I’m sorry.” Buck swallows.

“It’s okay.” Eddie finally replies. “Chris is gonna hold it over you though.” He jokes, lighting the awkward, tense mood Buck had created because he’s a bad liar and Eddie knows he’s a bad liar.

“I know.” Buck smiles softly. “Tell him I’m sorry?”

“I will.” Eddie says. A silence ensues, and Buck wants to just hang up and hide in his bed for the rest of the night. He feels terrible. And if it couldn’t possibly get worse than it already is, Eddie finally speaks up.

“Are you okay?” He finally asks, and Buck has to move his phone from his face to clear his throat and blink back the tears forming before he can even think about responding to that.

“Yeah, yeah.” Buck nods quickly. “I’m good. Got a headache. I’ll see you Sunday?”

They hang up fairly quickly after that. Buck didn’t want to stay on the phone with Eddie any longer than he had to, and Eddie wasn’t entirely sure he believed Buck’s reasoning for canceling, but he wasn’t interested in getting into _all of that._

_Four o’clock._

Buck occupies himself by making a meal that will provide leftovers for both him and Albert for multiple days. He watches netflix for a while then helps himself to a second serving of the pasta dish he doesn’t really know the name of, just the recipe. It came from Isabel. And yes, Eddie was uptight about his grandmother sharing a family recipe with Buck and not him, but they all eventually came to the conclusion that it would be disrespectful of Eddie to even attempt making it.

_Five o’clock._

Buck takes his second shower of the day because he didn’t think any of this through and he can’t just go out in public now. He plays a game of 8-ball on iMessage with Albert, who’s currently on a road trip to Las Vegas with a few friends. Buck hates him in a very envious way.

_Six o’clock._

Buck redownloads tinder.

_Seven o’clock._

Buck sees far more of the three men he swiped right on than he really wanted to at this point in time. Buck deletes tinder.

_Eight o’clock._

**_Buck:  
_ ** _hey. do you want to come over?  
_ _i think it’s time i open that bottle of red wine that’s been sitting in my cabinet  
_ _(clothes optional)_

_Nine o’clock._

A knock on the door pulls Buck from his focus on the game he’s playing on his phone. He drops his phone onto the couch and heads to the front door, opening with a smile on his face. The smile is hiding a kind of shame, guilt and regret he knows is going to worsen as the night goes on, but he needs _something._ He can’t keep living like this.

“I was surprised to get your text.” Taylor comments as she slides past Buck and into the loft. “The last two, not the first. That one was normal- wasn’t expecting the others.” She continues as she shrugs her jacket off, tossing over the back of a chair.

“Yeah, I-” Buck laughs awkwardly. “Wanted to be clear about my intentions.”

And from the empty wine glasses on the coffee table and the red lipstick marks trailing down Buck’s neck and chest, his intentions are _very_ clear. Taylor locks her lips with Buck’s as she settles with her legs on the sides of Buck’s waist. Buck pulls away quickly, latches one of his arms around Taylor’s waist, and they both sit up. Their lips attach once more as Buck moves to undo the buttons on Taylor’s shirt.

“Not that I have a problem with you calling me just to hook up, but-” Taylor breathes out against Buck’s neck. “Who has you so fucked up you’re just hooking up with people again?”

Buck pulls back a bit to look up at Taylor. “What?” He furrows his brows.

Taylor tilts her head a small smile crosses her face. “You told me you’re ready for a real relationship. What did you get yourself into?”

“Nothing.” Buck shakes his head as he slides his hand around the back of Taylor’s neck and pulls her back to him, peppering kisses down her neck. “‘M fine.”

Taylor places her hands on the sides of Buck’s neck. “No, you’re not.” She states firmly. Buck agrees completely- he’s not fine, and he’s gotten himself into a giant clusterfuck of stupid, avoidable shit, but he’s too far now to turn back and fix any of it. “I’m here to _talk,_ too, you know.”

“We can talk later.” Buck replies as he leans back down on the bed, Taylor leaning down with him. “You weren’t wrong, though.”

The aforementioned guilt does indeed grow within Buck as the night goes on. He knows he’s going to regret all of this and he also knows the hickey Taylor left on his neck is definitely going to get him in trouble. He decides he can just feel things again tomorrow.

_Eleven o’clock._

“So… you faked being sick to get out of this thing but you didn’t think about any of the consequences of it?” Taylor raises an eyebrow. “You’ve seriously just been laying around here all day?”

“Yep.” Buck replies as he stares up at the ceiling. “I didn’t really think it through because I wasn’t going to do it but I changed my mind last second.”

Taylor sighs. “Have you ever thought of just… talking to this guy about it?”

This causes Buck to look over at Taylor frantically, as if the woman has two fucking heads. Of course he’s not talking to Eddie about it. That is _never_ happening. Ever. Buck is perfectly content suffering silently for the rest of forever.

“So you’d rather be miserable?” Taylor asks, and Buck gives her a look that says something along the lines of _obviously, the fuck?_ Taylor gives him a sad look, and scoots up to rest her head on Buck’s chest. “Miserable isn’t fun.”

Buck wraps his arm around Taylor, running his fingers across the tattoo on her ribcage. “No it is not.” He says softly.

And misery _is_ the furthest from fun, but Buck has accepted it at this point. He welcomes it with open arms because he at least feels something other than anger, jealousy, and all the other gross, annoying feelings he has when he sees Eddie with Ana.

And of course, Taylor has no idea Buck has been talking about Eddie. He carefully omitted any details that would indicate to her that he was talking about Eddie. Buck isn’t ready to tell anyone about that (even if Taylor so graciously came all this way and has spent multiple hours in Buck’s bed with him).

**four.**

Buck briefly forgets Friday's conversation with Eddie entirely- until he walks into the firehouse on Sunday, obviously. He’s in the locker room when Eddie comes up to him. “Feeling better?” He asks casually.

_Feeling better from what?_

_Oh shit._

Buck nods. “Yeah, yeah. Got some rest and stuff.” He babbles on, ashamed at how easily he’s lying to Eddie about this. In another world, he’d totally tell Eddie that he had to stop by Maddie’s and get her to cover up a hickey for him this morning. In another world though, Friday wouldn’t have even happened, so.

Word somehow got out that Buck was sick over the weekend and now Buck is just lying to everybody and he wants to hide in the storage room again. He doesn’t, but he really considers it when Eddie tells him that Chris asked about Buck like seven times on Friday. Buck regrets everything. He should have just sucked it up and gone over to Eddie’s. Too late now, though. He’s in far too deep now.

Buck manages to make it through breakfast without losing his mind, and the events of Friday have completely slipped from his mind by the time the station gets a call and everyone heads out. It’s a drunk girl on a roof being talked down from jumping off of it and into the deep end of the pool below. Multiple news stations are there. It’s… interesting, to say the least.

“Apparently she got dared to go up there.” Taylor calls out as she walks up to Buck. “No one’s willing to admit if they dared her to jump or not.”

“It’s literally noon,” Buck scoffs as he looks over at the house. “Why the hell are they already wasted at noon?” He crosses his arms.

“It’s the end of the day for them.” Taylor states. “They’ve been going all night, apparently. What are y’all planning on doing?” She glances up at Buck as she bumps her arm against his.

Buck clears his throat. “No idea.” He turns to face Taylor as he smiles. “I think you’re about to go live.” He nods towards the cameraman standing off to the side.

“What time do you get off?” Taylor asks.

“Seven.” Buck replies. “Wanna get dinner or something?”

Taylor nods. “Text me. You’ll have to update me on what you’ve decided to do about your situation.” She teases, and winks at Buck before she spins around and walks away.

And yeah, Buck is in love with Eddie. But he likes Taylor. She’s cool, and kind of mean sometimes, and she’s _really_ awesome. He doesn’t see her in his idea of forever, but maybe at this moment in time, Taylor’s what Buck needs. Maybe she can help him sort out all his bullshit, at least.

While the team is brainstorming ways to get the nice drunk girl down from the roof as safely as possible, said nice drunk girl takes matters into her own hands and just… jumps. It’s not very well thought out, because she is absolutely plastered, and it doesn’t take long for Eddie and Buck to see that the woman isn’t swimming back up to the surface of the water.

“Well _fuck._ ” Buck says bluntly, before quickly detaching his radio from his shirt, taking off across the yard and diving into the deep end of the pool, Eddie in tow.

The woman is fine. Drunk, a little traumatized and in need of new friends, but fine. Buck and Eddie sit on towels on the way back to the firehouse and Chim and Hen are laughing the entire time. Buck’s shoes make a squishing noise when he hops out of the truck. It’s disgusting. Both he and Eddie immediately make their way to the showers to rinse the chlorine smell off and change into dry clothes.

In the midst of all of this, Buck completely forgets about the hickey hidden on his neck. He forgets all the way up until he’s pulling his shirt on and Eddie looks at him, looks away, then whips back around to face him again. “What the fuck is that?” Eddie says outright, glaring directly at the mid sized bruise at the base of Buck’s neck.

“What is what?” Buck furrows his brows. He honestly doesn’t realize until he follows Eddie’s gaze and realizes just why Eddie’s eyes are popping out of his skull.

“Oh, uhm-” And exactly what Buck had been afraid of since Friday, happens. It’s laced with anger and disappointment and Buck honestly can’t say he doesn’t deserve it, but it hurts like hell all the same.

“Is that why you ditched us on Friday?”

 _Is that why you ditched us on Friday_ is going to ring in Buck’s head for weeks to come. He knows he fucked up. He knows he let both Eddie and Chris down, and he knows there’s probably no way he can even fix this mess.

“Eddie, I-” Eddie isn’t at all interested in listening to what Buck has to say, and it’s halfway good that he cut Buck off, because Buck doesn’t actually have anything to say that would mean anything to Eddie at this point. He’s clearly reached the point- that point in which Eddie gets tired of Buck and his bullshit and moves on with his life and Buck loses the only stable family he’s ever known.

“I’m sorry.” Buck finally breathes out. Eddie doesn’t care. And all Buck is thinking about now is that he could fix this if he just had the guts to speak up. _Have you ever thought of just talking to this guy about it?_ Taylor is so beyond right and it honestly pisses Buck off at how right she is. He doesn’t think Eddie’s all that willing to listen anymore, though.

“Thinking we’ll just keep that between us because my son doesn’t need to know you blew him off to get laid.” Eddie slams his locker shut, Buck flinches, and Eddie swallows the lump in his throat before walking away with tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

Buck doesn’t go after him.

**five.**

Buck’s fear of once cancellation on a Friday leading to a series of them comes true, but not in the way he imagined. It comes in the form of a text Thursday morning while he’s getting ready for work. He’d already missed two Fridays, one of his own volition and another on account of Chris being invited to a sleepover. But this Friday is free right up until Buck’s phone vibrates on the bathroom counter.

 **_Eddie:  
_ ** _Gonna have to cancel tomorrow night. Sorry.  
_ _Figure you probably have plans, anyway._

Buck stares at the texts for a solid five minutes, he thinks. He’s not surprised, but it’s still not fun to experience. He types out three different messages before just erasing anything he had to say that could counter that second text in some way. He really can’t deal with this right now.

 **_Buck:  
_ ** _okay._

And he actually didn’t have plans Friday, but he’s about to seeing as his evening had just become free. And Eddie doesn’t tell him this, but Buck is pretty sure all of his Friday’s have become free now. He blew it. It’s all over. He fucked up like he knew he inevitably would and now he’s lost his family.

Buck’s shift ends at four o’clock, and he doesn’t even bother to change out of his uniform before he heads back to the loft. He drops back onto his bed and shuts his eyes. He wants more than anything for things to be okay again. If not for Eddie, for Christopher. One of his biggest fears is letting Chris down and it’s all coming true and it’s tearing Buck’s entire world apart.

His phone ringing causes Buck to jolt awake from the nap he absolutely did not plan (especially because he still had shoes on and… oh my god). Buck scrambles to sit up and grab his phone from the bed, furrowing his brows when the caller id reads _the diaz boys._

“Hello?” Buck asks, confused as he rubs his eyes. “Chris?”

“Dad said you’re not coming tomorrow. Why?” Chris asks outright, getting straight to the point because the kid is a lot better at handling all of this than either of his dads. “You said you’d always be here.”

Buck reaches his breaking point at this. Tears begin falling from his eyes faster than he can even register that they’re coming and he can barely compose himself long enough to speak. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere, okay? You’ve still got me, even when I’m not around.”

“Then why did you go away when Ms. Flores started hanging out with my dad?” Chris replies, sadder now. “I don’t want to have movie night with her.”

Buck swallows the lump in his throat. “Sometimes it’s better for me to not be in the middle of your dad’s relationship, kiddo. I know the change is weird but it’s not all bad- I’m still around.” Chris doesn’t reply, so Buck keeps going. “I thought you liked Ana?”

“I like her as my teacher, not my dad’s girlfriend.” Chris states. If anything, Buck admires the honesty. “I liked it when it was just you with my dad.”

That? That kills Buck.

That takes him out so thoroughly that he feels his heart stop and his lungs just completely give out. He doesn’t know where the fuck he’s supposed to go from here. “What- what do you mean, buddy?” Buck asks reluctantly. He’s not really sure he’s ready for whatever answer Chris has for this.

“I know what love is, Buck.” Chris says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and Buck has no idea how the fuck Chris knows all of this. “And you love my dad. We miss you.”

Buck can’t do this. He can’t have this conversation with the ten year old son of the man he’s in love with. He can’t have this conversation in general, but he _really_ can’t have this conversation now. “I miss you too, kid.” Buck changes the subject. “Next Friday, I promise, okay? We’re all hanging out no matter what.”

Buck will think about this conversation for the next two days straight. All of the information he received is… interesting, to say the least. He doesn’t know what to do with any of it, but it’s certainly a lot.

He considers calling Eddie, but it doesn’t feel right, telling him about the conversation. He doesn’t want to violate Christopher’s trust, and he’s already on thin ice with both of them in general, so he figures it’s best to play it safe and keep his mouth shut.

So, that’s what Buck does. He keeps quiet, doesn’t even talk to Taylor about it. He simply just worries about the fact that he made a promise to Christopher that he has no idea if he can keep or not. He’s so screwed.

**plus one.**

_Thursday._

Buck lays in bed from the point of getting off the phone with Christopher, to when his phone rings and Maddie invites Buck over for dinner. Buck strategically omits anything about Eddie and Christopher when he tells Maddie about his day.

Buck cries in the shower that night.

_Friday._

Buck spends the day with Taylor. They share cotton candy at the amusement park Buck suggested in place of the pier. Their intertwined hands swing as they walk, laughing at the sight of a pigeon stealing a french fry from a child. Taylor leaves a lipstick mark on Buck’s cheek and Buck rubs frosting on Taylor’s nose, from the strawberry cake they share at a diner in Santa Monica at the end of the day.

In lieu of being a better person than he has been as of late, Buck walks Taylor up to her door and kisses her softly after tucking her hair behind her hair. Taylor calls Buck gross for being all fluffy with her, but she giggles as she pulls Buck in for one more kiss and tells him to be safe on his drive home.

Buck texts Taylor as soon as he gets home. They decide that the _boyfriend-girlfriend_ labels might not be so bad for them. Buck doesn’t open the unread text he has from Eddie.

_Saturday._

Buck babysits Joy while Maddie and Chimney are at work. He spends the day babbling along with the four-month old and he manages to keep his mind off of Eddie all day. It’s a weird, foreign feeling, and he’s not sure if he likes it or not.

Maddie picks Joy up at six o’clock, and Buck is left alone for the rest of the night. It’s strange, an infant being such good company. But then again, he loves that kid with everything he’s got. Between Joy and Chris, he’d do literally anything to keep them both safe.

 **_Taylor:  
_ ** _Stuck at the office working on a piece. Construction is boring as shit._

Buck sees Taylor’s text as an excuse to get out of the house and do literally anything but sit around with his thoughts. He brings Taylor a coffee, and listens to her talk about the piece she’s doing about construction on Monday. Buck agrees that it’s boring as shit, but he enjoys listening to Taylor talk.

And yeah, they have sex in Buck’s car later that night.

Taylor follows him back to the loft and stays the night though, so Buck figures he’s not all bad. They make brownies at midnight and watch a marvel movie against Taylor’s wishes (she won’t tell Buck she loved it).

Eddie’s text has been left unread for over 24 hours now.

_Sunday._

Buck finally opens Eddie’s text, and he wishes for the rest of the day that he had just ignored it like he had been.

 **_Eddie:  
_ ** _Look, if you’re done with us and you’re moving on with Taylor or whoever, whatever, just don’t ditch Chris. You’re important to him and he doesn’t deserve that. And if you’re pissed at me for something- I don’t care, be pissed all you want, but stow it for Christopher’s sake once in a while and I will too._

Buck disagrees so fully with every single thing Eddie sent. He’s not moving on from them, he would never do that. It’s Buck that feels left behind, Buck that feels like Eddie’s done with him. And Buck isn’t pissed, he’s the furthest from it. He’s just exhausted, and he doesn’t feel welcome anymore.

He doesn’t reply to Eddie.

This makes things so awkward at the firehouse that day that Hen and Chimney don’t even dare joke about it. It’s all tense, and everyone feels it. They get called out to a five-alarm and Bobby pairs Buck with Hen, and Eddie with Chimney. Buck and Eddie absolutely would’ve put their shit aside to get things done, but Bobby figured it was in everyone’s best interest to switch things up for the day.

Eddie doesn’t say one word to Buck for almost the entire day, one that started at seven in the morning. He doesn’t say hi, doesn’t ask him about his weekend, nothing. Silence. Longing, hurt looks that are louder than anything Eddie could say to Buck. The nothingness is the worst part about all of this.

From the start of the day, Buck feels as if something nasty is brewing, and he almost didn’t even get out of bed. He was right, of course, and the climax of the day from hell comes at dinner. Something like this was inevitable, and everyone was honestly just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isn’t Eddie or Buck that drops it, though. It’s Chimney, who had the misfortune of sitting between the two men at the table.

He didn’t mean to do anything, obviously. But nonetheless, it’s one of the worse ideas he’s had. “So…” Chim starts, glancing around the table. Specifically, Buck and Eddie. “How was everyone’s weekend?”

“Drove out to Santa Monica.” Buck says softly as he pushes food around with his fork. “We didn’t go on the pier.” He then adds, like he owes someone some sort of explanation.

Chimney replies to this, but it gets lost behind the deafening sound of Eddie _finally_ speaking to Buck. It’s two fucking words and it sends Buck reeling. “With Taylor?”

Buck freezes.

“The reporter?” Hen rushes out.

“I didn’t know you were dating.” Chimney looks over to Buck.

Eddie says nothing else.

“Yeah, with Taylor.” Buck finally replies, and Eddie avoids his gaze. “We’ve been going out for a bit. I like her.”

“How long is a bit?” Eddie looks up and over at Buck, eyebrows raised. “Two, three weeks?” His questions are laced with something Buck notices, put can’t put a name on. It’s not anger, it’s not hatred, but it’s something Buck really, really doesn’t like.

“What?” Buck is confused as he looks over to Eddie. Chimney is caught in the middle, naturally, and he shrinks in his seat as he physically feels the tension in the room grow.

Eddie shrugs and looks back down at his food. “Just making conversation.” And Buck isn’t usually one to get up in arms about shit like this, but now he’s just pissed off.

“Why the fuck are you mad at me?” Buck asks outright, and the entire table goes silent. Chimney’s eyes widen as he sinks further into his seat, Hen mouths a series of _oh fuck_ ’s and _oh my god_ ’s, and Bobby clears his throat awkwardly. Barnett and Casey know well enough to just get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

“Why am I mad at you? Seriously?” Eddie snaps back. “You bailed on me on the one night we commit to every week, so you could hook up with someone for no reason, and then you lied about it. You’re seriously wondering why I’m mad at you?”

“I was a third wheel, Eddie.” Buck replies with a huff. “Was I just supposed to sit there and watch you with Ana like everything was fine?”

He regrets this immediately as he says it. He wishes he’d just kept his mouth shut. Now he has to deal with the implications he just made, as well of the consequences of all of this. Buck is good at keeping his emotions in check at work, but he’s losing his fucking mind right now.

“Are you jealous of us?” Eddie says, softer now. It’s still as sharp as everything else he’s said, but this question comes with more confusion than anger. Chimney almost falls out of his chair due to how quickly he moves to escape this situation. Hen follows suit, grabbing Bobby as she shuffles past him.

“What?” Buck chokes out. He’s dead. He’s so dead. Past dead. Whatever is worse than death is what Buck currently is. He can’t do this. He can’t sit here and have this conversation. He’s never been _less_ in control of his emotions and he knows if this continues, he’s going to say something he _really_ regrets.

Eddie stares at Buck in an accusatory way that makes Buck feel like he’s in a standoff to see who’s going to break first. Thankfully, the bell rings and both parties are saved. For now, at least.

Eddie doesn’t say anything to Buck for the rest of the shift.

_Monday._

Eddie doesn’t work on Monday, and Buck is grateful for that. A far cry from Buck missing him every time he’s not on a shift. Things have changed in all the worst possible ways, and it’s obvious even when Eddie isn’t around.

Hen and Chimney give Buck strange looks, like they’re afraid to ask him about what’s going on between him and Eddie. Buck gets it. He doesn’t want to deal with this, either.

_Tuesday._

Eddie and Buck work the same shift and Buck spends the day cleaning, organizing, anything to keep him occupied. They don’t talk on this shift.

_Wednesday._

Buck doesn’t work Wednesday. He meets Taylor in the park, where she’s recording a special that airs next week. They have lunch together, and Buck doesn’t tell her about the fight he had with Eddie. She doesn’t need to worry about any of that.

_Thursday._

On Thursday, Taylor stops by the firehouse upon Buck jokingly threatening her in their instagram messages because she posted a picture at Buck’s favorite coffee shop. Taylor knows Buck’s coffee order by now. Eddie doesn’t know this. Taylor’s mere presence at the station makes Eddie so mad he has to stop himself from hitting the mirror in the bathroom after Taylor leaves.

“I don’t think Eddie likes me.” Taylor comments as Buck walks her to her car, their fingers laced together.

“It’s not you.” Buck replies as he turns to face Taylor. “We got in a fight. It was stupid. We’ll get over it.”

“Are y’all okay?” Taylor asks.

Buck sighs. “Not at all.” He pulls Taylor in for a kiss. “We’ll talk it out eventually.”

Seeing Buck kiss Taylor evokes what Eddie thinks is one of the worst feelings he’s ever felt. He absolutely hates the way it makes him feel. He doesn’t even look at Buck for the rest of the shift.

It’s nearly ten o’clock at night when Buck works up the courage to text Eddie about Friday. He was going to talk to him at work, but he decided against it because it’s a lot easier to fight over text at this point. He doesn’t think he can handle seeing the anger on Eddie’s face again.

 **_Buck:  
_ ** _i_ _know you probably don’t want me there, but you’re right about chris. movie night tomorrow?_

Buck jumps in the shower immediately after sending the text. He’s dug a hole so deep he can’t even see the top and it’s only getting deeper. He doesn’t see any of this being resolved anytime soon.

 **_Eddie:  
_ ** _Not gonna bail again, are you?_

Buck understands Eddie’s reasoning but god does it sting, knowing Eddie doesn’t trust him anymore. The memory of _there’s no one in this world I trust more with my son than you_ wont’ leave Buck’s mind no matter how hard he tries to ignore it. They’ve come so far but they’ve reverted back so much more in such a short amount of time.

Buck barely sleeps that night.

_Friday._

Both Buck and Eddie’s smiles are fake the entire time Buck is over at Eddie’s. This is the one time Buck is actually hoping Ana will show up, because at least she could be a buffer once Chris is asleep. They’re not about to fight in front of Ana. But much to Buck’s dismay, Ana is busy, and Buck is left alone with Eddie after Chris is in bed.

It’s not as bad as Buck thought, but the complete lack of _anything_ could be considered worse. Eddie doesn’t give Buck a second glance. “Same time next Friday?” Eddie asks with crossed arms as he watches Buck pull his jacket over his shoulders.

Buck looks at Eddie for a second before nodding. “Yeah. See you at work.”

It’s like they’ve moved into a new chapter of Buck’s least favorite book. He doesn’t know how things went so wrong so fast. He just knows that only seeing Chris four times over the course of the next month really, really fucking sucks. He barely talks to Eddie outside of work and movie night, too, and he just really misses his best friend.

And he’s happy with Taylor- he is, he just can’t ignore the dark cloud that is just constantly looming over him. Taylor notices it, too. It took her a while, but she finally figured it out because Buck is not good at hiding things and Taylor’s honestly surprised he’s kept it a secret for as long as he has.

They’re laying in Buck’s bed, facing each other when Taylor swallows the lump in her throat and averts her gaze on their intertwined fingers and up to Buck’s eyes. “We need to break up.”

It was inevitable. This was always going to happen and Buck knew it. Taylor was never going to be Buck’s forever. “Oh.” Buck looks back at Taylor.

“I think I might be falling in love with you,” Taylor whispers. “And neither of us ever planned on that happening, so it’s time we deal with the fact that we were never supposed to be something permanent for each other.”

And Buck isn’t destroyed. Yeah, this hurts. It hurts a lot, because Buck genuinely cares about Taylor more than he ever thought he would. And he would never want to hurt her, not in a million years. She’s one of the best friends he’s ever had and Buck genuinely loves her. He’s not _in_ love with her- that’s something reserved for Eddie. That’s reserved for the person who makes him angriest, knows him best, makes him lose his mind. Taylor knows all of this.

“You need to tell Eddie how you feel or it’s going to kill you.” Taylor states, and Buck’s breath hitches in his throat because he’s never mentioned Eddie’s name when discussing this. He’s always been _so_ careful. Clearly not careful enough.

“How’d you know?” Buck asks after a while, staring back down at their hands together. “I’ve never told anyone.”

“You don’t look at your best friend the way you look at him.” Taylor replies. “You don’t look at _me_ like that.”

“I’m so sorry.” Buck looks back up and removes his hand from Taylor’s, pushing her hair back from her face and running his thumb softly across her cheek. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”

Taylor smiles softly. “I know. You didn’t.”

“I love you.” Buck whispers as he leans in, pressing his lips to Taylor’s forehead. “I’m always here if you need me, I hope you know that.” He rests his head against hers and pulls her against his chest.

“I know.” Taylor exhales. “Thank you for taking care of me.” She clears her throat as tears prick her eyes.

“Always.”

Taylor leaves the next morning, but not before making Buck promise that he’ll tell Eddie how he feels. This isn’t a promise Buck intends to break. The fear that creeps up inside him when he sees Eddie at work the next day is terrifying though.

“Eddie, hey-” Buck calls out as he rushes up to Eddie. “Hey. Can we talk?” He asks, and Eddie glances to the side before looking back, nodding lightly. “Um, I know things have been weird. I’m sorry.”

Eddie sighs. “I don’t think weird really covers it.”

“I know.” Buck swallows. He couldn’t be further from prepared for this. “Taylor and I broke up.” He blurts out. It’s not where he planned on starting, but he thinks he can work with it based on how it piques Eddie’s interest.

“What? Are you okay?” Eddie asks. He’s standing closer to Buck now. Not too close, but there’s a smaller distance between them now than there has been in over a month. “What happened?”

Buck shrugs. “We went into things knowing I had feelings for someone else I couldn’t have and our relationship was an accident. I cared about her, and I didn’t want to hurt her. We agreed I couldn’t keep ignoring how I feel.” Buck is all over the place. He doesn’t even know if any of that made sense. His head has been spinning since he saw Eddie walk in and he can’t articulate any thoughts.

“Oh.” Eddie replies, and leaves it at that.

“I promised her I’d tell the person how I feel.” Buck states, and Eddie looks up in confusion. “So Eddie, uh-”

“Buck.”

“Eddie.” Buck says firmly. “I can’t just keep biting my tongue. I’m tired, and I’m losing my mind.” He sighs, and Eddie stays silent this time. Buck continues. “I should’ve told you so long ago but I was scared.”

Buck doesn’t say the words yet, because he knows every single aspect of his relationship with Eddie will change when he does. But he’s ready now. He thinks he’s ready. Part of him thinks most of this was happening because Buck needed time to come to term with his feelings.

“I’m so in love with you.”

Buck exhales.

For what seems like the first time in forever, Buck exhales. He can finally breathe again. Whatever the consequences are, he can handle them. He’ll be okay this time.

Buck gives Eddie a few minutes to process. Eddie goes from confused, to pondering, to coming to about a hundred realizations all at once. He opens and closes his mouth four times, like he can’t find the right words to say in response to Buck’s revelation.

And Buck is okay with it. He’d wait forever, he knows that now.

“That’s…” Eddie starts, more to himself. Before he continues, he finally looks Buck in the eye. “That’s why you started distancing yourself when I started dating Ana?”

Buck nods. “But I- it’s okay now. I don’t want this to fuck anything up, okay? I just couldn’t keep pretending I don’t feel this way. I just want to go back to the way things were with us and Christopher.” He smiles softly at Eddie, who honestly just looks like he hasn’t absorbed or processed anything Buck has said. “And I’m happy for you. I wasn’t at first, but it’s fine now. You and Ana-”

“Ana and I broke up two weeks ago.” Eddie stops him.

And the world, as far as Buck is concerned. Buck doesn’t even know how to respond to that. His world just came crashing down _again_ and he lost any train of thought he had before this. If he was a mess before, he’s a category five now.

“Wh- What?” Is all Buck manages to choke out in a broken voice as he realizes he and Eddie are both single and Eddie knows about Buck’s feelings and Eddie’s feelings are completely up in the air. Buck cannot predict how this could go now.

“She told me she knew I have feelings for someone else and neither of us deserve to be in a relationship that we both know isn’t going anywhere.” Eddie says simply, like he hasn’t fucked Buck up in about five hundred different ways.

“Oh.” Buck nods reluctantly. He looks down, picking at the skin around his fingernails as he prepares himself to hear the answer to his next question. “And have you… have you told the person-”

“It’s you, Evan.”

Buck nearly passes out. He’s genuinely convinced he just died. His head shoots up to look at Eddie, trying to decipher if Eddie is fucking with him or not. _There is no way this is actually happening_ , Buck thinks, _this is not real._

“Me?”

“Yes, god.” Eddie sighs as he rubs his eyes. “Why do you think I’ve been so mad at you for bailing on me?”

“I thought it was because of Chris.” Buck mumbles.

Eddie walks closer to Buck. They’re so close now that Buck is sure Eddie can hear his heart beating harder than he thinks it ever has. Eddie’s hands go straight to the sides of Buck’s neck and Buck stops breathing.

“I love you.” Eddie says. “That’s why I was so pissed about you and Taylor.”

Buck smiles as he mimics Eddie, placing his hands on the sides of the man’s neck. He goes to reply, but Eddie gives him no time and crashes their lips together.

And god, Buck was never one for clichés, but kissing Eddie- fuck, kissing Eddie is like fireworks. It’s like seeing colors he’s never seen before, like all the stars in the sky are out at once. Kissing Eddie is… well, it’s like nothing Buck has ever felt in his entire life and it’s something completely unreplicable.

It’s like there’s no one else in the world. Like the world has fallen to pieces and Buck and Eddie are the only things still standing. Buck kisses Eddie like he’s never going to be able to again, and Eddie’s grip on Buck doesn’t waver once. It’s like everything that has happened is void, and both Buck and Eddie never want to stop.

Clapping, whistling, and cheering from the kitchen above bring Buck and Eddie back to reality. They laugh as they pull apart, looking up to see Bobby, Athena, Hen, and Chimney all standing at the railing with shiteating grins on their faces. “About time.” Hen smiles.

Buck looks back to Eddie, laughing as he pulls the man into a hug.

Buck and Eddie stay up until four o’clock that night, talking about literally anything and everything. Buck wants to know and tell Eddie everything. Once he finally lets everything out, he can’t shut up and Eddie doesn’t want it any other way.

Buck sleeps better that night than he has in months.

**Author's Note:**

> so... i'm on the bucktaylor train. buddie endgame, but bucktaylor is a stop along the way that i'm cool waiting on a later train to leave on. irrelevant to this thing, but yeah. taylor is everything to me
> 
> (title from fourth of july by fall out boy)


End file.
